Broken friendship, Broken Heart

So I had this best friend who I knew since I was about 3 years old. We met at nursery, was okay friends during school and then for me best friends in secondary school. So much so that we would swap jackets so I would get ot wear his jacket and he would have to wear my hoodie. But, it got to a point where everywhere he was there and well i couldn't help it but my friend love seemed to turn into more than that. We always flirted as most friends do but it just felt like somethign more.
I loved his quirks aswell like how despite loving hardcore like Marilyn Manson he absolutley loved ABBA. Or the fact that family is the most important thing of all, and how you could literally hear when he was getting pissed off in a text of no more than a few words.

So when I thought taking the plunge might pay off instead of not straight out confessing my feelings I thought best to get him to guess. however, throughout this conversation i have led hints and half way through, whilst seeming pissed, he confesses that he has started to go out with someone. Holy shitballs, best news of my life. Not.
It also has to be the girl who is the most annoying, prances around like a crazy person, stealing my friends and inserting herself into all of our relationships.
So obviously when the conversation carried on and he guessed himself I said no and threw a random name to the wind.
After that seemily fateful conversation we only saw each other a few times after that. Once i was filming a music video and asked him and two other friends to help. And he seemed to enjoy himself, for a while until he didnt. After that it was bumping into each other in a card shop and then at a house party.

So i thought as we are obviously trying to ignore the elephant in the room after the initial explosion id only contact him for birthdays or indeed I messaged him to find out his results. Well i got a thanks to the birthday and the no reply from the results, I had to find it out from his brother.
So i thought, lets leave it. But then after seeing him at the house party, the following year, I thought it would get easier so then that year's birthday greeting might improve.

Did it. Did it ever. Hell No. I sent the "Happy Birthday Dude".
My reply, (some on the lines of )
I dont want to speak to you ,
leave me alone.

Well as any upset friend would do, I told him to politely go do himself.

I saw him for about 30seconds after this and all i got was "Oh, I didnt see you there "
The story of my life.

Ever since starting to date the girl he has lost all but about 1 friend, failed things, quit jobs.

But, for me this is just another misadventure of the heart and the reason for me writing this is my dreams.
I keep having the same dream featuring him. Hes there with me, being my support which I needed him over the last few hard years. It was so happy. but when i woke up I was near enough in tears because I realised that unless there is a sheer miracle where he takes his head out of his arse. I will not get my best friend back, my hugger, my music chooser, my dude.

A Fumble in the Dark

So I set up this occasion that I was going to go to the cinema with my male friend, I was worried for a good month whether it was a date or not, it wasn't. But, I still fancy him anyway.
Anywhoo...
We have taken our seats and brought Oreo and Pink Pather biscuits with me and put them on my knee so if he wants any, they are there for him to munch on. The lights go down and I devour quite a lot. After an hour of the movie I am so engrossed in the film that I have forgotten that they are on my lap.
Then all of a sudden I feel a hand on my thigh, slowly moving its way down my leg to my knee. I'm thinking "Whoah nelly" but, its a definite way to start putting the moves on my leg. I'm getting excited and turn my head and see he's totally engrossed in the film. But suddenly I hear the rustle of something (an internal question mark pops into my head). That is when I realise and sit their feeling embarrassed in the dark, he was trying to get to the biscuits. And there he is munching on my oreos in a non euphemistic way. Lights go on, nothing, not a realisation to anything getting shirty. Thank God. We got the train back home, watching a Friends episode which it has the girls taking Chandler to a strip club, and me saying outloud (and realising afterwards there were more than just me and him on the train) "I'd like to go to a strip club, just to check it out. I hear there are good drinks and free buffets there."
I turn around and the chuckles from the other men on the train are almost photo worthy. Fortunatly , I decide to shut-up the rest of the journey home and we simply depart on our different paths with a slightly awkward hug. I personally am not a hugger anymore unless it is one of about 5 friends (he wasn't one).
So there you have it; my hyper awkward-for-only-me situation


Update:
After this we went out on a few non-dates like cinema outings and a day trip to walk around Windsor and have a pub lunch. Confirmation that it wasnt a date: He talked about the girls at UNI that he liked. But, looking at it I dont think it would have worked out in the long run anyway.

The inspirational speeches of my Head of Sixth Form.

How do you focus on your work?
I personally, have no ability to focus on work without the impeding fear of everything going wrong. If I am too chilled I will literally do nothing but watch TV, listen to music, eat and sleep. However, if the head of the sixth form with give a motivational speech which is more like an hour-long threatening with a side of 'failing in life' then if buck up and start to revise and do better coursework and exams.
But, here is an honest description of my Head of Sixth form to make it more realistic for you to imagine;
He is welsh
He once shouted at a kid for not knocking on his classroom door before entering, However, due to a school breaking where the robbers smashes the doors there was no actual door on the frame.
He has made year 7's cry (I haven't seen the proof but it must to have happened)
He can shout so loud whilst looking disappointed that even if you are innoncent he can make you feel guilty and turn you pants in Zebra-themed.
Very similar, yet shorter, to the Head of Sixth form in 'The Inbetweeners' (it must be the example in the Head of Sixth Form handbook)

So when he first did the motivational speech this time last year I was revising over 4 hours a day on top of a 6 hours school day. This meant I eat, slept and breathed Biology, Psychology, Media and English Literature. Which left me with some left over which meant in September and October I still was motivated so I even taught myself half of the syllabus before the Teacher had fired up Powerpoint.
But, now I have run out. I am doing everything last minute, I find way to take the stressful edge off of it the morning of the exam be it sugar or other vices. I am still revising but not by much. Media I don't really revise until the actual mock exam because it comes natural to me, English Literature doesn't make sense to revise truly because the only way to revise is to practise doing the exams or trying to remember layouts which provide the best successful outcome possible. Then, ther is now my last lesson Psychology which I have about 100 prep cards for term which account to 1 out of the 2 text books, I have extreme masses and folders of revision for the subject so much so that I actually provide the teacher with resources and crib sheets which then I give to the class. I even make notes and attend every lesson without bunking however, I am only just achieving a D whereas there are people who achieve A's and don't take notes, don't revise and im pretty sure even cheated in their mocks unsuccessfully but still.

So this is to my Sixth form head, scare the shit out of me NOW. Give me a realisation that I will fail if I don't buck up my ideas.

Should I shout it from the roof tops or simply put a note in your locker?

I dress myself in feminine clothing so you can know from my perspective that I am a woman underneath
I wear make-up to highlight it even more, with bright colours and bold lines.
So why is it you never notice.
So why is it that you have never told me I'm pretty, or told me I'm beautiful, or even sexy or hot.
if not then tell me exactly what I need to do for you to notice that like you, I have feelings.
I want to have someone to want to hug me,
To want to kiss.
To want to have sex with me.
Not as just an object or something to do to pass the time in-between doing final exams and going off to University.
One said that it wouldn't be fair to start a relationship only to end it because he was going to university.
What about me!! Im going to university and wouldn't I want the choice as to whether to date even if it meant having to have the odd 3 hours journey to see them.
But, no I have have crazy crushes on a guys who don't usually correlate me as a woman who may have needs,
I have always been there for him when he has been on the edge or tears or the sharp cliff of anger.
But, what does that me "a good friend" or  "G".


What should I do?
- Hold a boombox outside of his house like "Say anything"
- Wait outside with a nice red car like "16 wishes"
- Give my earring to him like "The Breakfast club"
- Or be your secretary who keeps on talking about my tree-trunk thigh-calling-ex-boyfriend like "Love actually"



So I say to you, grow some cojones and if you have even an inckling of feelings towards me. Fucking tell me Im beautiful, sexy or hot. Ask me out to your favourite place, to watch you favourite film or to do your favourite activity.

Sex is power

Many people have always said that 'Money is power' however, it is my belief that Sex is power. Sex has been the oldest profession known to man. Money has been what gives power , yes, however, this is mainly a male ideology. Yet, to me it was sex that allows you to have power over people, it can give fire for blackmail and it can also allow you to gather secrets.
However, I haven't come up with this idea without a shred of anecdotal evidence. I grew up in a traditionalist house. The kids were fed before Dad got home from work and dinner was on the table ready always. Even when Mum wasn't there to get it ready for him to walk in one of the kids would do it. Even if Dad would get in at 10:30pm. My mum married her first long-term boyfriend. My grandfather has always had dinner served for him, if my nan were to drop off of the face of the earth and he would starve. So in my family everything is like time stopped in the 1950s and that includes the morals which should be adopted by every member of the family. And one of those is be virgin until your married. However, sex if you use it right can be just as powerful when toying with people with the thought of sex or the denying of sex as the actual act. It also allows women to have power which contradicts things which only 30 years ago believed in. Because before 30 years ago it was believed that sex was mainly for the benefit of men and women get barely any satisfaction from it. Men demanded sex and raped their wives. It wasn't until the 1990s in England where it became illegal for spousal rape.

So there it is, sex has both negative and positive powerful representations  when it comes to power.

Does the L word mean the end?

So it seems when ever you drop the L bomb it seems to force an unintended ultimatum on the relationship.

Love; Does it cause a reciprocation which may elevate a relationship?
                                                 or
Does it cause a blatant ignoring of your existence as that is not why they are in the relationship and can lead to its near immediate demise. Yet, there still might be an even doucheier dude or chic who say "but I can learn to love you" or "may with time". Both meaning the same yet they come from different people, ones who are trying to comfort your emotions to get something or just someone who has convinced themselves that they need to be in love with you, they have already scrapbooked it but the bubble has popped and you don't fit into that silhouette.


Yet for me an emotionally unavailable and near damaged person I don't believe that love exists in anything but Rom-coms and perhaps in a chemical formula but does that mean those who are in love have this chemical formula down to an art. Sometimes I sit in a room and I can happily convince myself that I could be attracted to all of the men however, none give me a second glance. Should I do it like Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis who both were in films about relationships which were FWB (friends with benefits) who ended up loving each other, then Kutcher and Kunis decided to try a friend with benefits and ended up falling in love, so should I try this out?
I haven't even found a guy, who is single, who would want anything except a FWB relationship which is good but none want me. However, in my eyes relationships are over rated, my bio-parents got divorced when I was about 2 months old so I didn't really get the primary wave I just felt the aftershocks, then nearly all of my bio-dad's relationships have gone to tatters which has left me with a half-sister, a few step-mothers and an almost step-brother. So who was I supposed to model my monotrophic relationship on (the relationship which you use as a template for the rest of yours), obviously not my parents. Perhaps my brothers; he had many girlfriend until his early twenties when he settled down and got married and they are cute, or even my nan and Papa who have been married for 53 years which is slightly inspirational.


Yet, still none of my relationships last and then those who try and approach are creepy and even my friends tell me not to even reply to him.

So questions are:

To those who believe in love and has not told their other half how they feel does it mean the end?
Or for those who do not believe in Love what else is there apart from a FWB?

Anyone who has an answer I would love a response, pardon the pun.

Who's the Daddy?

The thing you have to know is my dad left when I was about 2 months old and being 6 years older than me my brother grew up with my dad. Then when my dad moved country my brother still went to see him several times.
Whereas, I have met him only about twice in my life. Which is why I have asked my brother if he can arrange a meeting between us. However, do I tell my mum and step-dad. My step-dad was the man who basically raised me so he may be offended and my mum hates his guts because he left her with a shitty house which was apparently ransacked of valuables and left with two kids as well , one being a 6 year old and one being a new born baby.
 


So what do I do?
Tell my parents who want understand why I want to meet my real dad and either be told not to go, for them to act like I'm a dick ?????